March 11, 2025
“Ok marines. It’s time to kickass.”
I try to maintain a steady diet of reading. On average, I’m reading about one book per month with a heavy lean on nonfiction as my thirst for knowledge has almost completely eclipsed my youthful love of novels. That thirst extends to periodicals, newsletters, and articles about the growingly complex world we live in. Since abandoning personal social media accounts, these news sources are where I now go to doom scroll. While The Matinee will never be a political or even news-based newsletter, the day’s topics often parent the clips that play on ESTHER (Epic Scenes and Takes Humming Endlessly on Repeat).
As the violence in Iran escalates I’ve been reading more about the US’s bunker buster, the 30,000lb bomb that could penetrate the Fordo nuclear facility where they’re enriching uranium. I have no idea if this is a good idea or a bad one - despite how many reruns of the A-Team I’ve seen, devastating military attacks are outside my purview. However, my common sense meter tells me it might be a bad idea to drop the biggest bomb in the world on the stuff that makes the most destructive bombs in the world. Are we sure we know what’s gonna happen? Arnold’s face shows my feelings.
March 11, 2025
“Get away from those alarms.”
I had to go into the bank last week. I'm a millennial so I go into a bank every 30 years or so. I have no idea why so many retail locations still exist. Anyway, as any normal person would, I start to case the place. Safe is over there. Cameras there, there, and there. No security. I can totally out run the staff, submiss them if the situation calls for it. Make sure to avoid the ink pack and the trigger bills at the bottom of the register.
Cerebral is the kind of bank robber I’d be. Not the sneaky type that hones in on one teller. Not the aggressive type who shoves a gun in your face and might take out a hostage or two. No way. I’m timing it. I’m not going to get greedy by hitting the fault. And I’m not going to get my hands too dirty. That’s how you get caught.
As these thoughts race through my head, I see the first bank employee approach us. One of the best film-educated bank robbers in history just entered his location and he has no idea. As I finish my assessment as cool as Clyde Barrow, he asks me “How can I help you today?”
“We’d like help opening a 529.”
You got off easy this time, bro.
March 11, 2025
“Lets get some fuckin French toast.”
Last Thursday my wife had a girls night. She went to some party in the Hollywood Hills for a viewing of a new trash reality show called Traitors (note: “trash” when defining television doesn’t necessarily mean it stinks).
After months inside with a newborn and weeks fighting off bronchitis, it was good for her to get out with the girls and blow off some steam. At least I thought it was.
At 10:30pm (90min past her usual bedtime) I get the first call from one of her girlfriends. They’re 30 minutes out and she’s passed out in the car. 20 minutes later I get the second call, where the girlfriend asks me to meet them in the driveway and to “bring towels”. No need to get into the details from there as we’re all familiar with the scene. Perhaps the best depiction comes from Leslie Mann craving “some fuckin Franch Toast.”
Movie: 40 Year Old Virgin
Spoiler Meter: 🙂
March 4, 2025
“Well, that outta do it.”
I did something stupid last week. Stupid and a little bit lucky. For Christmas i got my wife a fire table. Its one of those outdoor coffee tables with a strip down the middle for a gas fire. It was a little more than I wanted to spend but she had been asking for one for some time. It's designed for a simple propane tank hookup but comes with a conversion kit to use your house’s natural gas. Thinking it doesn’t make much sense to be replacing the tank all the time, I wanted to go the natural gas route. I decided that since I have absolutely no experience with gas hook-ups or simply anything that comes out of a pipe, I would get a plumber to do the work. But when the plumber gave me a quote, my cheap ass decided I could do this myself (could?). Days after following the instructions and hooking this massive table up to the detonator, I decided to sit on the deck and watch the stars by the fire. Minutes later while relaxing with my feet up on the table the flame suddenly goes out then the whole thing jumps 6 inches off the ground. Fortunately my wife was putting our oldest to bed so it was just me out there but I wasn’t sober which made the experience all that more scary. It reminded me of an explosion that caught Butch by surprise (“Well that oughta do it”). Thinking back on both scenes just cracks me up.
Movie: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Spoiler Meter: 🙂
February 28, 2025
“Our little baby’s all growns up.”
Sometimes I’m so happy I just have to dance. Yes, dancing is more likely after a few drinks but fuck it. I’m loosened up and I don’t care, especially when my Iggles just won THE FUCKIN SUPER BOWL!!! Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few days, you know that the local Philadelphia sports team absolutely dominated this generation’s juggernaut, the Kansas City Chiefs. I’ll claim to have called some of this. I knew we were better and I thought we were going to cruise to a victory just like this, but i was too scared and too superstitious to say much of anything beforehand. Well afterwards I’m ready to scream it from the rooftops. Sure I’m a little sauced after spending the game at my local Philly bar with 500 former strangers. But after a bunch of drinks and a wild night I’m ready for the griddle and a little table top dancing. Who does it better than a young Vince Vaughn?
Movie: Swingers
Spoiler Meter: 🤢
February 26, 2025
“You’re funny.”
Last week I went away on my annual ski trip with the boys. We call it Winter Baste (yes, there is also a Summer Baste; no I will no explain the name). Its just the guys getting together to drink, ski and act foolish. We retell old jokes, catch up on grown-up shit like work and family life, and try to sprinkle a few new memories and moments of ridiculousness. Its roughly the same guys every year. Dudes I’ve known forever and feel eternally comfortable around. I love this trip. I love acting like we’re 25 again. I love the mix of shit-talking and encouragement on the mountain, dude soup in the hot tub, and the ridiculous awards we give each other at the closing night’s gala. But mostly I love the laughing. Its that cackle you get with only that perfect group of friends in the perfect setting. Like Tommy, Henry and the boys cracking up and the moment someone tries to get too serious we all say “Get the fuck outta here.”
Movie: Goodfellas
Spoiler Meter: 🙂
February 13, 2025
“I want to expose these people.”
I’m a sports fan. Actually, that’s inaccurate. I am an obsessed, completely unreasonable Philly sports fan. I was burdened with this fandom at birth same as my parents, my kids, and someday my grandkids. How my guys perform has such an effect on my life because I believe there is greatest there. I want them to realize it. This weekend my Eagles play in the Super Bowl. I have no doubt that they are the superior team. Actually, that’s inaccurate. I have no doubt that they are the baddest motherfuckers on the planet and can steamroll any and all chumps they put in front of us. Including and especially this team from Kansas City. They are that good. And when I think about what they need to do on the field I constantly replay this clip in my head from a great Coppola movie that has absolutely nothing to do with football. “I want to expose these people.” I want the world to see them destroyed. I want my Eagles to ride into glory as the greatest team that ever lived. I WANT TO FUCKIN EXPOSE THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!
Movie: The Rainmaker
Spoiler Meter: 🙂